Stream of consciousness… My wife and I took our son to Disneyland. It’s such a joy to see our four-year-old light up, laughing, having fun and being happy on the rides. We had dinner and the waiter brought some bread. Our son yells “I love you!” He can be really cute that way – so open and loving and full of joy, a happy kid. The day before, I was feeling sad – someone close to me was venting about their problems and it was feeling very hard-hearted to me. I was sad for him that he was in this place, and because there’s a part of me that resonates with that part of him. Lately I’ve been consciously exploring those parts of me that scare me, the places where, when I go there, I begin to feel panic, places of intense vulnerability, places I’ve been hiding from myself, old pain, fears, shame, anger. Going there as much as I can, breathing into those places and opening up. As those places open up, I’m experiencing more heart opening, more epiphanies, more places where I can stop worrying and relax. I’m realizing I have lots of places that resonate with the painful, [...]
Adjustments from the Universe
My car broke down last night, in a very curious way. I was coming home after what was easily the best chiropractic adjustment yet. I’d been trying some new “Foundation” exercises recommended by my acupuncturist for the past four days and already feeling much, much better. So my back is the best it’s felt since even before my injury – I can see the path to having a strong, healthy back and core, maybe stronger and healthier than it’s ever been. Then my car stops – literally steps from where I live. It just stopped and every time I’d start the engine, it would turn over, then stop. Great, another problem. So I get it towed to a place that’s literally around the block, make arrangements for a rental, all the BS. I’m worried about the cost, since I’m not exactly flush with money these days. Today I get a call from the repair shop – a very reasonable price to fix, and an extremely reasonable price to take care of some other routine maintenance. Up to that point, I’d been dutifully taking my car to the dealer and spending a small fortune. So what initially looked to be this [...]
The Lazy Fisherman
Once upon a time, there was a lazy fisherman. Every day he would spend hours sitting on the shore, relaxing in his chair, and fish. Since this location was abundant with fish, the fisherman would always go home with a bucket full of fish. Every day, people would see him arrive, sit down, fish lazily much of the day, and go home with his bucket of fish. Nobody ever saw him do anything else. One day, one of the observers, who was frustrated with the laziness of this young man, approached him. “What are you doing, sitting there every day, wasting your time and youth like this?” The young man smiled and said “I like to fish.” “Fine,” said the other man, “but you’re going about it all wrong. There are so many fish in this area, and you are a strong, young man. You should get yourself a net and gather hundreds of fish in the time it’s taking you to fill that bucket. That’s what I would do.” The lazy fisherman looks lazily at the other man. “And what would you do next?” “I would sell my fish in the market for money, make a better life for [...]
I’ve Been Addicted to Self-Improvement
For three weeks I’ve been going through a shedding process, letting go of layer after layer of bullshit and really connecting with myself in a better way. It started before my back injury, when I got my first Thai massage in about ten years and had this realization of how I haven’t been treating myself very well. This process has accelerated since I hurt myself. I’m in a state of very low energy, letting go and accepting my need to heal my body, heal my spirit, face my fears and open my heart. Now, I’m accepting my body and its limitations – that despite my exercising and diet, my core is weak. This is true in my mind and spirit as well – I’ve experienced all these breakthroughs and learned all these ways to improve myself and find peace, but at the core there’s been a lack of appreciation for myself. I’ve been addicted to self-improvement. My exercise regimen, my “searching,” has all been to create myself into someone I could fully accept. My true breakthroughs around finding peace and personal power have been largely accidental – going deep into fear and despair and finding my inner truth. Yet [...]